20 October 2014

Unraveling emotions

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up in the early hours of the morning. That wasn’t such a strange event, at that time I had a hard time sleeping through the night. One thing was strange, though and that was that I felt shame from the moment I woke.

I sat up and examined the shame. What was I ashamed of? Why did I feel this immense sense of shame?

No matter how deep I dug into my psyche, no matter how deep I delved into the dream fragments I remembered, there was no reason to feel shame. It was just... there.

Over the past decade or so, I have grown very accustomed to the way ego works, through my Inner Two Year Old connection, but I had never experienced this. Shame just for shame’s sake?

I suddenly smiled at myself and thought, “What if this is ego’s latest way of trying to show me who’s boss?”

I took a couple of deep breaths and thanked shame for being there, but I no longer needed it. The feeling dissipated instantly. In a flash I went from deep shame to calm.

Ever since that moment, I feel like I have learned to look beyond another layer of ego. I see now that the moment I feel things, I can choose to let go or I can choose to dwell in it. The moment I become aware, I can release it in a couple of deep breaths, focused on the point where the feelings reside (usually in my belly).

As I write this I feel anxiety brew in the pit of my stomach. It is there. I can almost feel it, pick it up and study it, like a trinket.

The anxiety doesn’t keep me from writing this. It doesn’t stop my attempts at finishing this blog post. All it does is sit there, I know I can breathe it away, but I choose to keep it there, because it is excellent fuel for writing this.

Look at your feelings at the moment of reading this. What do you feel? Do you feel anxiety? Fear? Doubt? What bubbles up to the forefront? Can you name it? Can you focus your breath on it?

What changes?